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Failure

Look how happy she is with a string of pearls! She is her mama's daughter.

Look how happy she is with a string of pearls! She is her mama’s daughter.


Mommy's little man rocking a trial tie

Mommy’s little man rocking a trial tie

I have a hard time with setting unrealistic goals for myself. Does anyone else do this? I mean, I schedule myself to the point where I get 5 hours of sleep or less on a consistent basis. And why do I push myself so hard? Because I expect the most of myself. Okay more realistically I push myself so hard because I’m afraid of failure. An odd combination right? I set myself on such a tight schedule that failure is inevitable, yet, I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough, or that I don’t do everything right. I live in a constant fear of my own making. It’s a horrible way to live. I don’t know why so many of us do it to ourselves.

The last year or two, I’ve learned to say enough is enough. I can’t live in constant fear and stress. It’s not healthy. I have to admit my short comings. I have to admit that I cannot do it alone. I usually double check myself now. I don’t like admitting failure. So I was really hard on myself when I had to tell my sister that I can get her daughter’s Minnie costume to her in time, but I won’t be able to make a Mickey one. My sister knows I push myself hard. She knows that even though I’m a full time student, I’m a full time mom as well. And both of those kids are in diapers. That I still have my small crochet business and I haven’t even had a chance to look at my available inventory for an event that happens next week. I haven’t even picked up my camera lately. So those sweet little faces are changing before my eyes, and I don’t even have pictures of this short little time.

So taking a deep breath I am admitting I’m only human. I can’t do more than I can physically handle, and pushing myself to do more, will end up with more migraines and me sick, unable to complete any of my tasks. I have a little boy who would rather mommy play with him than meet every one of her self inflicted goals. I have a baby girl whose whole world revolves around being held and food. Those moments won’t last much longer. My little blue eyes is already the size of many kindergarteners. My little bug is still tiny, but she rolls wherever she wants to go. At what point do we cut ourselves a break? When do we say enough is enough and stop to be with our family.

I am afraid of failure, but I’m even more afraid that some day my kids won’t want me part of their lives anymore. So what if I don’t get an A in every class I take, my baby is happy in the little fort that we made behind the couch. So what if I don’t have a huge inventory for October. My little bug is happier when mommy holds her than when I put her down to finish a project. It’s time for me to pick my camera back up, and get some of those cheesy smiles on film.

If you have the same problem I do, take a minute tonight. Re-inventory the priorities you’ve set for yourself. It can be hard to let go, but what you’ll loose in the juggle is far worse.
Night!
-MB

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About Military Bride

Military Bride is my view of the world from a veteran, spouse, and mommy perspective. I’m sure it’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I don’t mind sharing triumphs and tears with you. I joined the Military at the age of 21, and met my husband not to long after. We’ve been married a little over 3 years, and have a beautiful baby boy. My life has already gone through drastic changes, from getting out of the military, to becoming a mommy and going back to school. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you.

One response »

  1. Fabulous writing. Very honest and you are right if you keep the schedule you are on you will burn out. It happens. Take care of you.

    Reply

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