Laying in bed I put the pillow over my head, my whole body pulsing on beat with my head. It’s easy to say I have another migraine and to leave it at that. Someone sympathetic may even mention that they are sorry, they get headaches too. But that doesn’t really give you a glimpse into what it’s like.
I woke up with a headache. Got my kids packed up and to school. Even double checked that my oldest had his library book and knew his number. When I got home, I fumbled around trying to get coffee and medication. I gave up and ended up drinking my coffee cold and no medicines. My husband had today off, so we tried to enjoy an episode of ncis. Half way through I felt sick. Made it to the bathroom in time to throw up. My head pounding worse than any college hang over I’ve seen. I laid on the bed to make sure I was done throwing up before trying to enjoy my time with my husband.
By the time I got downstairs I was in tears. Not the feel bad for me kind. The I don’t even realize I’m crying I’m in so much pain kind. I looked at the clock and apologized for him having to pick up the kids yet again on his day off. Tucked myself into bed and shoved my head under a pillow to block the light.
I wish I could say I slept it off. I spent an hour in and out of consciousness, wondering what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve that kind of pain. My trusty pup cuddles up next me me, watching my every move. When I finally did sleep, I didn’t wake back up until three thirty. All of the kids home and my husband doing the laundry. I’m telling you, I wouldn’t survive without him.
I managed to turn on the kettle enough times there was no water in the bottom, before finally managing to get a drink. We ate leftovers and my husband left to take our oldest to wrestling.
Felt like a zombie, but I gave the younger two a bowl of mini marshmellows and let them watch cartoons. Thank god they were tame tonight and going to bed wasn’t a challenge.
Here I sit. Torn between throwing up and crying. Wondering what I did to deserve this. Wondering how many more times my body is going to betray me, and why o can’t get my house clean. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. It’s so hard when I know tomorrow will be pure exhaustion from fighting the pain. I’ll get up and take kids to school. Drink ridiculous amounts of coffee just to be able to get the dishes done. My oldest has his first field trip. I didn’t volunteer. I never know when I’m going to have a migraine and it’s not fair to his teacher to have to back out last minute. I didn’t make the cookies I’d planned for his lunch, or even get the dishes done. My husband did those.
Here I sit, feeling guilty for the things I wanted to do and didn’t. Feeling guilty for giving into the pain. Feeling betrayed by my body once again. We have a date and a babysitter tomorrow. My house is in shambles. I’m embarrassed for anyone to see it. I’m afraid I’ll be to tired to put in the effort to look nice, even though my husband deserves it. He deserves more than this. He shouldn’t have to do my job for me. He shouldn’t have to clean the house.
I think that’s the hardest part of migraines. Feeling guilty for all of the things you miss. And for all the slack everyone in your life has to deal with because you can’t.
Here’s to tomorrow. May it be better than today.